The Beatitudes of Republican Jesus

As we inch ever closer to a repealed and replaced ACA; as we hear of the millions likely to be left harmed in the wake of both Trumpcare and the Trump 'Voodoo Economics on Steroids' Budget I feel compelled to write the Beatitudes of Republican Jesus. 

Then sayeth the Prophet of Mar-a-Lago unto them:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,

but not the poor in pocket

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

but the kingdom of earth is not and they really shouldn’t get too comfy

Blessed are they who mourn,

But not the parents or families of POC killed by the police, because seriously,

they should just have complied

for they shall be comforted. 

Well maybe 'comfort' is the wrong word, but if they’re lucky they’ll get a check, 

though nothing will actually change on the ground.

Blessed are the meek, 

That's right! Be meek! For example, if you want to protest, protest meekly. Do something like kneeling quietly in protest of an obvious wrong. Meek. Unobtrusive. 

for they shall inherit the earth. 

And the just cause you've meekly supported will resonate with others 

(I'd call that inheriting the earth wouldn't you?) 

Also, you won't lose your job bc your cause is just and "your vindication will shine like the noonday sun." Where did I read that?? (Ps. 37:6 it turns out)

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 

for they shall be satisfied. 

But not those who hunger for food, 'cause SNAP and WIC only create dependency.

Instead, let God's people flock to evangelical church every Sunday, where the poor are measured and their worthiness for support is assessed

Feed them a prosperity gospel that seeks a new Gulf Stream jet; demonizes the LGBTQ population and assess their worthiness for my blessings 

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

Unless they are drug users or murderers.

We do have to fight the War on Drugs, and  we must execute those found guilty of murder, even if the evidence against them is thin, DNA non-existent and witnesses have recanted.

No room for mercy up in here.

Blessed are the pure of heart, 

for they shall see God. 

Who are these people and do they even vote?

Blessed are the peacemakers, 

and the Saturday Night Specials, and the AR-15's, because

Republican Jesus is pretty sure peace is found at the business end of a gun. 

for they shall be called children of God. 

Sorry, Glock.  The children of Glock.  Or Smith & Wesson. I forget which.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, 

Who are shunned for expressing bitter hatred and threatening violence toward Muslims, immigrants, LGBT people, and liberals, just the way God intended.

Blessed too are those who are made, against their will, to treat others with basic human decency.

That PC nonsense is just wrong.

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Where there shall be no more Soros.

And there's a wall.

Amen!