For the last several years, I've recently realized, I've been living a kind of 'tight shoes ' life. What's that? That's when you spend good money on a pair of shoes that you loved in the store but then, the first time you wear them out, "Yikes!" pain, pain and more pain. But instead of tossing them out, you hold on to them hoping against all reason, that things will be better next time around. They aren't, but still you won't throw them away. So now, you're investing emotional capital into something that you know in your heart of hearts, will never yield the benefits you had hoped for.
For me, my relocation to the United States has been a beautiful pair of very, very tight shoes. I often wonder if I made the right choice to come to this country where, increasingly, I find my brand of logic doesn't seem to *fit*; where my approach to being doesn't appear to *rhyme*; where, quite frankly, I just can't find a good rhythm. This is not to suggest that there are no others thinking along the same lines as I am, living as I do or walking in my rhythm, just that I haven't met too many of them. Moreover, it's not so much the way that I think that's problematic, it's that I don't feel compelled to wish another ill because they don't think as I do. I'm finding the rancor of debate to be a little jarring and disquieting to the spirit.....and mine is a spirit that ain't that quiet to start with.
Just the other day, I was saying to someone that I find myself increasingly at cross purposes with the rhythm of this society. I just don't feel like a fit. Years ago, when I first arrived, I would simply say that I knew who I was in my home country in a way that I didn't here. For anyone who has never lived abroad this may seem a strange sentence, but the reality is that the food is different, the flavors, the colors and Lord knows, the portion sizes(!!!) are different. Then, you get used to that, and then you have to worry about something else. How you stand, how you carry yourself, how your accent sounds when you're angry or agitated. All these things play in to the way others see you and often, impressions are everything here.
I am bone deep WEARY of people telling me that I intimidate them. HOW? No one really has an answer to this question, but it seems to boil down to one thing: by showing up. They won't tell you that, but that's pretty much it. You say nothing, you smile, you stand up straight (I'm 5' 7" and like a 3 inch heel), problem. You hold your head up high, you speak clearly, you have a point of view and you're not afraid to share it and suddenly it's "You're intimidating". Jeez. I have a suggestion. Why not wait until I use the word "counter-intuitive" in a sentence before you get intimidated? Why not wait until I say something interesting, intelligent and unexpected before you get het up? I mean, if I'm going to be branded as 'intimidating' why not actually let me DO something that intimidates? Let's try that for a minute and then I'll say it with you...."You're intimidating".
Can you tell this one has got old?
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